“Because I said so!!” How many times did your parents say this phrase to you? How often were you spanked as a child? How much yelling was there in your house growing up? It’s safe to say that parenting styles have changed over the years. While spanking may have been deemed okay years ago, most […]
“Because I said so!!”
How many times did your parents say this phrase to you? How often were you spanked as a child? How much yelling was there in your house growing up?
It’s safe to say that parenting styles have changed over the years. While spanking may have been deemed okay years ago, most parents agree now that hitting a child is not okay, for any reason. Shame and yelling are also, thankfully, out of fashion.
Many of today’s parents are trying to use positive parenting techniques instead.
Positive parenting refers to a parenting style that relies on warmth, nurturing, and mindfulness. This type of parenting reinforces good behavior and avoids using harsh forms of discipline.
Positive parenting has been shown to facilitate numerous favorable outcomes. It has been linked to better grades in school, better behavior, more positive self-concepts, less substance abuse, and better overall mental health.
Positive Parenting has three main components:
How often have you had a bad day at work and yelled at your kids when you got home? It is very common for parents, either consciously or unconsciously, to take their bad emotions out on their children.
To parent positively means you have got to get a hold of your own emotions so you only interact with your child in a kind, loving, and honest manner.
2. Focus on Strengthening the Parent-Child Connection
It can be easier said than done, but each interaction with your child must strengthen the connection between you both. When a parent-child connection is strong, the child will feel safe and be able to trust.
3. Love Your Child Unconditionally
Many punishment techniques throughout the years rely on a parent “withdrawing” their love. This conditional love can cause great emotional and psychological harm to your child. Instead, focus on being a coach and mentor to your child, offering them loving guidance and reassurance to help them manage their emotions and behaviors.
It can also be very helpful to get some help from a family therapist who can help guide you in becoming the loving and compassionate parent you want to be.
If you would like to explore counseling options, please be in touch with me. I’d be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
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Tips for you and your children on dealing with disappointment I think it’s fair to say that 2020 has been the year of disappointment and even with a vaccine on the horizon that disappointment feels never-ending. Everything from birthday parties, family events and concerts to school, sports, and well, normal life has been canceled. And, […]
I think it’s fair to say that 2020 has been the year of disappointment and even with a vaccine on the horizon that disappointment feels never-ending. Everything from birthday parties, family events and concerts to school, sports, and well, normal life has been canceled. And, now as the holiday season is in full swing, you might be feeling an extra punch to the gut over the loss of experiences.
You are probably feeling a whole slew of different emotions — sadness, grief, anxiety, depression, guilt, fear, regret, hope, and gratitude, to name a few. Whatever you are feeling, it is ok. It is ok to be upset at everything that isn’t happening. It is ok to grieve and mourn the loss of experiences. Grief isn’t just something you feel when you lose someone you love, it can be a healthy part of healing from any traumatic experience—something 2020 has given us a fair share of. If you are struggling with accepting the emotions you are feeling, give in. Let yourself feel so you can heal and keep moving forward.
Besides allowing yourself to feel, what are some other ways for you and your family to deal with all this disappointment?
When trying to help your children as they struggle through all their disappointment, it is important to remember that anxiety is contagious. If you are stressing over all the things your children will pick up on it. But, the same is said for feelings of calm. If you have a calm demeanor your children will feel that and will likely be able to process things easier.
This is why it is important to check-in with yourself frequently. Take the time to process your own emotions and find your calm before addressing your children—that way you can approach the situation as calmly and level-headed as possible.
Acknowledge that whatever feelings you or your children are feeling is normal and completely acceptable. When your child is sad that they can’t have a birthday party or playdate, name their emotions — “you are sad, and that is ok.” Explain they are not alone. Everyone is dealing with severe disappointment right now.
It is also important to remember that a child is at a different developmental stage than an adult. Using the bigger picture to explain why things are the way they are to your child is likely not going to be well received. Saying things like “we need to stay home so hospitals don’t get overcrowded” is not something a child will understand. Children’s worldview revolves around them, their friends and family.
In every difficult time, there is a silver lining. Your child is learning a lot of valuable skills for managing stress and disappointment. They are learning how to be flexible and more resilient than ever. Use this time to teach them healthy ways to face their emotions. Teach them about self-care, talking or writing things down, and how to calm down when upset.
Being a listening ear for your children and other family members is the most important thing you can do for each other. Talk out your frustrations. Validate each other’s emotions. Then, focus on something fun you can do instead— make breakfast for dinner, play a board game, paint or do other crafts, movie night, build an epic pillow fort, or spend some time outside.
Use what resources you have to find ways to connect with those outside of your home. Set up virtual gatherings. Check-in with those you haven’t spoken to in a while.
Having something exciting to look forward to can be a huge help in getting through hard times. Right now making plans for the future may seem futile but things won’t be like this forever. Check out some fun vacation spots and start saving for a trip you may be able to make when things start to clear up. Make a list of experiences you want to do in the future. Focus all that grief energy on something productive and fulfilling.
Self-care is important all the time but even more so during times of high stress. The best thing you can do for yourself and others in your life is to take care of you. Spend some time doing things that bring your joy. Go for a walk, take a bath, read a book, cuddle up with a movie, chat with friends, plan an at-home date night with your partner. Also remember to take care of your health, get sleep, eat well, avoid overindulging in alcohol or unhealthy foods that are just going to make you feel crummy.
Seek help when you need it. Consider doing some online therapy with a counselor or therapist. They can help guide you through your disappointment and grief.
And, remember this is just a blip on the story of your life. You will get through these hard times.
Searching For Online Counseling In Pennsylvania?
Counselors at CW Psychological Services are professionally-trained and licensed. We have openings for online, or telehealth, therapy appointments. Email us at info@cwpsychologicalservices.com or call at (610) 308-7575. We are here for you.
Certain emotions can be hard for anyone to process, but even more so for children. What are some signs your child is struggling?
Certain emotions can be hard for anyone to process, but even more so for children. They might not know how to react when they feel a certain way, so, as a parent, it is important to be aware of other signs your child may be struggling.
The signs are not always obvious. Instead of telling you how they feel, they might act out in behavioral ways or complain of physical discomforts.
The best thing you can do is pay attention. Note any sudden shifts in mood, behavior, or physical symptoms. These can be indicators your child could use some help coping. And, listen to your gut. Parents tend to have a sense something isn’t right.
The past few months, living during a global pandemic COVID-19, have been particularly challenging with everything being canceled and closed down. Now, as we begin another school year and our children and teens take on education in a new way—whether in-person or remote— it is perfectly normal for them to be having a hard time.
They might be mad that they have to wear a mask or confused as to why they can’t be in school with their friends. They might feel anxious about getting sick.
Whatever it is that is ailing them, what are some signs to watch for?
There are lots of reasons your child might be struggling, COVID-related and beyond. They might be upset they didn’t make a sports team, frustrated or confused by things going on within the home, sad about something with friends, or feeling depressed and not knowing why.
As a parent you probably wish you could take their pain and frustration away, you want to fix things, but you might not know how.
1.) Recognize Anxiety is Contagious. Sometimes without even realizing we project our feelings onto those around us. If you are feeling anxious yourself, look inward, try to find your calm so you don’t pass on those anxious feelings to your children. Deep breathing exercises, mindfulness, and meditation can be helpful. You may also want to consider counseling services for yourself so you can better work through your own struggles.
2.) Validate Your Child’s Feelings. Does what they are going through stink? It sure does. Talk to your child. Tell them it’s ok to feel angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed, etc. Whatever they are struggling with is ok. They don’t need to hide it from you. Help them to feel comfortable opening up about their struggles. Explain that they are not alone. Give them space to grieve.
3.) Avoid Referencing the Bigger Picture. Saying things like “life isn’t fair” or “we have to do this to keep others safe” aren’t going to help your child. Developmentally their worldview revolves around them, their friends, and their family.
4.) Stay Calm. If your child is emotionally unraveling it can be hard as a parent to keep your cool. You want them to relax but saying “just relax” is not the most helpful response. Instead, try to maintain your calm, be a listening ear. Coach them, point out the positives, tell them to breathe.
5.) Be Flexible. If your child struggles with anxiety they might not want to do something that you think they should be doing. Try to have some flexibility but also maintain a normal routine. Extra planning for transitions can be helpful as well. Maybe they need a little extra time or a pep talk.
6.) Modify Expectations & Praise Them for Accomplishments. During stressful times we all can have trouble getting things done. Modify your expectations for your child during challenging times and praise them for little things. For example at the end of a stressful e-learning day, tell them you are proud of them for sticking with it even though you know it was hard.
7.) Get Help. If your child is struggling consider getting them help. Online therapy options are available to connect your child to a therapist virtually. Counseling services can help teach your child ways to cope and manage their stress and disappointment in a healthy way. It is also good for parents to get the help they need so they are better able to support their child during these difficult times.
And, don’t forget to practice self-care. You also need breaks and an occasional reset to feel your best. You need to take care of yourself to take care of your child in the best way possible.
Counselors at CW Psychological Services are professionally-trained and licensed. We have openings for online, or telehealth, therapy appointments. Email us at info@cwpsychologicalservices.com or call at (610) 308-7575. We are here for you.
What makes someone feel they have been born into the wrong body? Gender identity is a prominent topic these days thanks to the transgender movement, yet many people are still uncertain about what causes this issue. What is it, exactly, that determines whether an individual thinks of themselves as “male” or “female” or something else […]
What makes someone feel they have been born into the wrong body? Gender identity is a prominent topic these days thanks to the transgender movement, yet many people are still uncertain about what causes this issue.
What is it, exactly, that determines whether an individual thinks of themselves as “male” or “female” or something else or neither of these two options? It seems that a possible answer to this question lies in the structure of our brains.
A considerable number of gender differences in the brain have been described and many are housed in the parts of the brain concerned with sexuality. For instance, an area of the brain that has to do with sexuality is larger in males than females and smaller in male-to-female transgender brains.
There are also reports of chemical differences in male and female brains, though there is still confusion as to how these differences, as well as size difference, relate to gender. Studies have also suggested that connections between brain areas may differ between genders, yet scientists struggle to interpret these findings in a meaningful way.
So, while we are a little closer to understanding this complex topic and understanding what exactly causes someone to identify with a different gender, there is still confusion and much to learn.
When a young person develops a physical disease or ailment, tests can be ordered, a diagnosis given and a treatment plan put into motion. When a young person identifies as a different gender, all of the answers don’t fall into place, and there isn’t one “correct” way to handle the situation.
So how can parents ensure they support their transgender child as they face an uncertain future and possible rejection and isolation?
To be rejected by their parents can be profoundly damaging to a child. Most young people that come out as trans have thought a lot about their feelings and experiences before telling anyone. Their identity should not be treated as a passing phase or something “awful” they will grow out of.
So, believe your child about their status as trans and accept them.
Transgender people are individuals. Not all will wear the same type of clothing. Not all will want to make the full transition. Don’t assume what your child’s journey will or should look like. Let them lead and you follow and support them.
Undoubtedly it will be hard to say goodbye to the child you gave birth to and have known for so long. But it will be important that you show love and respect to your child by referring to them as the right gender and by the name they now choose to go by, if you slip up, simply apologize. But don’t intentionally misgender or dead-name them.
You may find it very helpful to speak with a therapist during this time. He or she can help facilitate good communication between you and your child as well as help you navigate these new waters.
If you’d like to explore treatment options, please be in touch with me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
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It seems that today’s parents are expected to do everything perfectly. They’re expected to make healthy meals, help with homework – which often requires exceptional math skills -schedule play dates, drive carpools, and show up to every game, recital and parent-teacher conference showered and jovial. Oh, and they must also save up just the right […]
It seems that today’s parents are expected to do everything perfectly. They’re expected to make healthy meals, help with homework – which often requires exceptional math skills -schedule play dates, drive carpools, and show up to every game, recital and parent-teacher conference showered and jovial. Oh, and they must also save up just the right amount for college tuition for one, two or more kids.
While parenting is serious business, it shouldn’t be serious all of the time. Parents need to remember to take advantage of the fact that they live with kids. Kids, after all, are geniuses when it comes to living in the moment and not sweating the small stuff. Kids, yes, even older ones, are more than happy to have fun at a moment’s notice.
It’s important to remember that parenting should be fun. If we focus too much on being good parents, we’ll miss out on making wonderful memories with our kids.
Here are some ways you can start having more fun with your kids:
Be in the Moment
I guarantee, your eight-year-old doesn’t spend much time worrying about their schedule the following day or regretting a decision they made the day before. They are most likely fully engaged in the moment. All of their thoughts, feelings and senses are involved in whatever activity they are taking part in.
Adults call this mindfulness, and if you’ve spent any time meditating, you know what I’m talking about. Your first step to having more fun with your kids is to be right there in the moment with them. Don’t let your mind wander to all of those very adult responsibilities you have. Just be – with them.
Share Your Passions with Your Kids
If the idea of watching Dora the Explorer for three hours or playing Legos doesn’t thrill you, your kids will know you’re faking it. Why not introduce your kids to something you love to do?
If you love arts & crafts, why not start a creative project with your kids? Love cooking? Get them in the kitchen and teach them or take a cake decorating class together. Your kids don’t really care what they do with you, they just want to be with you. Sure, maybe your teenager will roll her eyes at the first mention of decoupage, but the reality is she wants to try new things and get closer to you.
Make Not Fun Things Fun
We don’t all have countless hours to devote to taking a class with our kids or going to the bowling alley every weekend. But this doesn’t mean we can’t have fun with them.
The truth is, ANY activity can be fun if we intend it to be. Doing the dishes together after dinner? See who can realistically quack like a duck. Have to study boring vocabulary words? Use a funny accent. Stuck in traffic on the way home from practice? Play “I Went on a Picnic.”
When it comes to having more fun with your kids, there aren’t any rules, except to just do it.
Need help talking with your kids? Sometimes having fun can be challenging when the lines of communication aren’t quite open. This is when a family therapist can help. They will be able to facilitate open and honest communication and provide tools to use every day.
If you’d like to explore treatment options, please get in touch with me. I would be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
The concept of selflessness is often seen as a virtue; and yet, if we fail to fulfill our own needs and nurture ourselves, we are less able to help and serve others. As a parent of a child with special needs, you probably spend most of your days so busy with the demanding needs of […]
The concept of selflessness is often seen as a virtue; and yet, if we fail to fulfill our own needs and nurture ourselves, we are less able to help and serve others.
As a parent of a child with special needs, you probably spend most of your days so busy with the demanding needs of your family that you neglect to take care of yourself. For parents of special needs children, a little selfishness is an absolute must. In order to give the most of yourself, you have to be your best self. To be at your best, a committed regimen of self-care is a must.
Sleep
Among the most fundamental of needs is rest. Adequate sleep is an essential part of a healthy lifestyle. A full night’s sleep will boost your energy, mood, memory and creativity while lowering stress levels.
Nutrition
Good nutrition is not just a benefit to you as a parent, but it has a long-term impact on your children as well. You’ll teach them healthy eating habits that will carry on into adulthood as you improve your own health and longevity. Keeping your meals and snacks colorful with fruits and vegetables will provide energy and help you stave off lethargy as you boost your mental clarity.
Sunlight
Taking your child on a short walk to the local park or playground will benefit both of you as you get in some much needed sunlight and a bit of exercise. According to the World Health Organization, just five to fifteen minutes of casual sun exposure will provide you with the vitamin D benefits of the sun; this includes a general feeling of well-being along with numerous health benefits.
Support
Play dates are a great way to integrate your special needs child socially, but it also benefits you with some much-needed downtime. Make a list of friends and loved ones you can call or video chat with when you need to talk. Look for community support groups to find other parents in your area you can turn to for advice and understanding. You can also seek the professional guidance of a mental health specialist for additional support.
Meditate
Meditation can seem like an unnecessary indulgence or a waste of time to a busy parent, but numerous scientific studies have proven the many health benefits of meditation. Setting aside just five to ten minutes a day for some quiet reflection can help boost your immune system, manage stress, help you focus and boost your mood, to name just a few of the many health benefits. Meditation is easy, and something anyone can learn. Simply type “how to meditate” into a search engine or on YouTube and you’ll find several guides on how to get started on this simple practice.
If you’re a special needs parent and you’re struggling or just need some support, call my office today and let’s schedule a time to talk.
What does it mean to have a healthy self-esteem? Some people think it means you are okay with how you look. Other people think you must accomplish something big in your life to have a good self-esteem. But the reality is, having a healthy self-esteem means you like and appreciate yourself faults and all. A […]
What does it mean to have a healthy self-esteem?
Some people think it means you are okay with how you look. Other people think you must accomplish something big in your life to have a good self-esteem.
But the reality is, having a healthy self-esteem means you like and appreciate yourself faults and all. A good self-esteem can be the difference between being a happy, resilient individual, able to face life’s challenges head on, and someone who suffers from depression and anxiety and is often overwhelmed with life.
If you have struggled in the past with self-esteem issues, there are some things you can do to give it a much-needed boost:
Are you someone that generalizes your lack of self-esteem? By that I mean, do you make generalities about yourself such as, “I’m an idiot,” “I’m not pretty enough or smart enough?” The truth is, we all act like idiots from time-to-time, and most human beings on this planet can find someone who is smarter and more attractive than they are.
If you’re going to work on your self-esteem, you need to first recognize that you often lie to yourself with these generalities. It may be a very convincing lie from your point of view, but it’s still a lie.
To become familiar with reality, make a list of 10 of your strengths and 10 weaknesses. If you have a hard time coming up with your strengths, think about what others have said about you: you’re a good listener, you are thoughtful, you cook a mean burger.
When you’re done making this list, you’ll see there are plenty of things you are really good at. And, some of the weaknesses may be things you can absolutely change over time and with some effort.
Perfection doesn’t exist. Now you may think all of those Hollywood A-listers that are on the cover of magazines are the epitome of perfection, but even they are air-brushed, photoshopped and have a team of people following them around so their hair is never out of place.
Stop spending your energy trying to have the perfect face, body, bank account, career, children or relationships. None of that exists. Focus your energy on achieving attainable goals like obtaining your degree and enjoying hobbies.
We spend so much of our lives comparing ourselves to others that we don’t really take the time to get to know ourselves. Beyond strengths and weaknesses, who are you as a person? What makes you happy or excites you? What hobbies do you enjoy? What kind of brother or sister are you?
The more you know about yourself, the more chances that you’ll find things out you really like.
If you would like to speak to someone about your self-esteem issues, please be in touch with me. I’d be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
It’s well known that the teen years are the most trying time for parents. It may seem like their rebellion is personal, and that they’re determined to make your home life miserable; but in reality, this is a natural process. Your teenager is maturing both physically and emotionally, and their brain is still developing. When […]
It’s well known that the teen years are the most trying time for parents. It may seem like their rebellion is personal, and that they’re determined to make your home life miserable; but in reality, this is a natural process. Your teenager is maturing both physically and emotionally, and their brain is still developing. When their frontal cortex develops in a few years, you will see a different person. Until that time however, talking to them can feel nearly impossible. Here are some tips for talking to your angry teen.
If you have an authoritarian parenting style, you’ll need to switch styles. An authoritarian method of parenting will cause you to butt heads with your teen, resulting in increased anger and lack of resolution. Switch your style to an authoritative style to get better reactions. An authoritative parent explains their reasoning, gives consequences while taking their child’s feelings and other circumstances into consideration, and overall puts a great deal of effort into the relationship they’re developing with their child.
When it’s time to have a conversation with your teen, first frame the conversation so they know that you’re not angry. If they think you’re angry, they’re more likely to get defensive or shut down. Because they’re unable to fully control their emotions or foresee the consequences of their behavior, they’re highly reactive and will immediately become irrationally angry. To avoid this, let them know that you are irritated, disappointed, or upset, but that you’re not angry with them.
Overall, it’s important to keep lines of communication open with your teen. You can turn anger into dialogue by simply making an effort to listen to and understand your teen, and ensure that you heard them and understand their feelings. Trying to give advice or enforce rules can break communication down when you need it to stay open.
Your teen is trying to figure out their identity as they go through many hormonal, growth and development changes that are out of their control. Understand that their anger is about asserting themselves or trying to separate themselves as an individual. This is a difficult time, and your teen needs empathy. Stay your child’s safe and secure base, so when they’ve calmed down or are growing out of this phase, they know where to come back.
If you’re a parent having a difficult time with a teenager, a licensed therapist can offer support and guidance for both of you. Call my office today so we can set up a time to talk.
Being a parent is the hardest job on the planet. But being a parent of a child with a mental illness can feel unbearable at times. All parents want to do what’s right for their kids, but when your child is sick, either physically or mentally, the desire to “get it right” becomes even more […]
Being a parent is the hardest job on the planet. But being a parent of a child with a mental illness can feel unbearable at times.
All parents want to do what’s right for their kids, but when your child is sick, either physically or mentally, the desire to “get it right” becomes even more intense.
If you are the parent of a child with depression, know there’s isn’t one “right way” to parent them. Having said that, here are some ways you can support and show you love your child on their way back toward the light.
Accept Your New Reality
For many parents, accepting that your child has a mental illness is extremely difficult. It is natural to want to deny the truth and pretend that everything is the way it was before the diagnosis. But invalidating reality will only make your child feel shame. Accepting the truth will help your family take the necessary steps to getting the right help.
Communicate Openly
Your child needs you now more than ever. They need to feel that they can talk to you when their world feels dark. Sit your child down and tell them they can come to you at any time for any reason. Let them know you could never be angry at them for how they feel. When they are ready to talk, listen closely and with an open mind and heart.
Help Their Body
It’s a fact that an unhealthy body effects the mind, especially with a mental illness in play. Help your child’s recovery by encouraging healthy eating habits. Limit sugar, bad fats, and caffeine intake. Make sure they get plenty of exercise. Invite them to go for a hike or bike ride with you. And finally, help them get enough sleep each night by setting firm bed times.
Talk to Them About Suicide
It’s a conversation no parent ever imagines they’ll have to have. But for the parent of a depressed child, the risk of suicide is a sad reality. Start the conversation with your child. Ask if they’ve ever thought about suicide. Asking these questions in an objective way allows your child to speak candidly with you and share their true thoughts and feelings with you.
And understand that there is no danger of a person planting a thought of suicide in someone else’s mind if it’s not already there.
Get Help
Though you can be a big support in your child’s life, you’ll need the help and guidance of a trained mental health therapist. Talk to your pediatrician for a referral. You can also get a referral from local support groups and friends and family.
If you or a loved one has a child suffering with depression, you are not alone. Please contact me to discuss treatment options.
